i'm like an ant on a boiling pot.
damn panicky.

i'm so dead when prelims comes. :(

talking to many many many friends right now.
talking to them makes me happy.
especially xing he.
it beats me why,
but i do have a lot of respect for that guy. (:
and i know he won't get to see this unless he digs into the archives.
cause he's in china and the internet connection sucks and
he won't get back into oxford's until any months later.
... so.. (:
he always make me feel worthy of myself.
ahh. my morale booster. (:

anyway, i wanted to type somethings about some person.
but xing he made me too happy to be frustrated or pissed off,
so there,

everything negative is gone. (:

i thought i saw a man brought to life
he was warm, he came around like he was dignified
he showed me what it was to cry

well you couldn't be that man i adored
you don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for?
but I don't know him anymore
there's nothing where he used to lie
my conversation has run dry
that's whats going on, nothing's fine
i'm torn

i'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
i'm cold and i am shamed lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed into something real
i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late, i'm already torn

so i guess the fortune teller's right
should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
to crawl beneath my veins and now i don't care, I have no luck, i don't miss it all that much
there's just so many things that i can't touch, i'm torn



so bloody stressed up.
so running outta time.

it's funny how time flies.
and i just realised the second that second have past,
there's no way to get it back.
but still, i can't get myself outta this damn chair.

oh wells,
i missed my kp partner.
i need to kpkb and kpkb and kpkb.
but people move on,
so did that damn kp partner of mine.
haix.
life's so sad.
maybe i should get up and move on too.

suddenly, benedict's msn nick just pop up; it wrote:
the power of the mind.

oh man.
i can't type out what i felt inside.
so many things, so little time,
so many thoughts, so little space.

it's not that i'm upset with anyone or anything.
it's just another random meaningless entry of mine.
can't stop thinking about the jc life i have had.

dragonboat.
netball.
friends.
online friends.
interact club.
orientation mates.
the seniors.
the juniors.
the 1st 3 months.
the overwhelming horrid pimples.
the nua nua adventure.
the b282 hunt.
the hong hong journey.
the bear bear, frog frog thingy.
the trainings that we forced ourselves to go.
all the silly jokes.
all the pissed off moments.
all the ghost stories.
the frisbe.
the fun.
the supposedly mugging library hours.
the laughters we shared.
the long walks along the kallang river.
the PW fever.
the everything.

but ayah,
all in all,
it all boils down to one:

KAO BEI lah.

-didn't mean to swear anyway. (:

seriously, i felt like a lousy friend.
and looking back, i am one.

it's just.....
that i get tongue-tied everytime when you're unhappy/depressed.
i just.... don't know what to say.
i'm just sorry...

oh well, been having insomnia thesedays.
but still, i can't wait for school to end tomorrow.
weekends... are still the best. (:

people are mugging like fuckers right now.
i think i better buck up and tag along behind them.
i can't afford to lag behind anymore.

thank you for all the infinite supports you have been giving me,
when i can give you none.

urgh.
i already have a fugly face...

why must pimples add salt to the wounds?

wa lau.
this sucks.
it really does.

i hate my fugly face. :(

ah.
shit.

i realised it's less than one month to prelims.
ass.

anyway, had the ssc farewell night yesterday.
it's not too bad.
the usual stuff when it comes to announcing the post results,
some were elated, others - disappointed.
it simply implies that sometimes you can't have what you want.
but again somtimes, there're factors in it.
like, you havent work hard for it or something.
in any case, you get what you deserve.
maybe you deserved more than you have gotten,
but it's not a choice actually,
but more of the impression you left others.
the nicer the better.

and i've having some random thoughts lately.
kinda figured out that actually life is pretty good.
good but unfair.
but it doesn't matter cause it's good. haha.
or rather mine is good.
why?
i don't know.
despite the ugly looks, figure, stupid brain of mine,
i still feel worthy in the company of my dear friends.
you see, it's all in the company.
the friendship. (:

was sitting with leah and hx in the mac waitin for time to pass yesterday.
haha.
it's funny how hx appeared fierce to everyone in school,
leah looks lost
and me...
they say i look as if i'm forever stuck in wonderland.
splendid.

haha.
and leah said, 'GUYS AREN'T EVERYTHING' when i commented on nuns can't ___ guys.
come to think about it,
true ah.
haha.
friends are everything to me now,
oh and studies.
must mug hard already.
can't let down a lot of people.

like what lorraine lee said to the sailors last night;
the responsibility for the job.

i guess she's right.
she really made me think that:

i'm a student.
studying is my job.
and i do it and ...
do it well.

so there. (:

URGH.
spent an hour browsing through friendster.
can't take my eyes off those gorgeous ang moh cheerleaders.
WA LAU.

why do they have everything?
the golden hair, the nice skin, the figure, the looks, the life.
*(^$-*^$*53^$(*@#
life is full of shit man.
shit shit shit.
dung dung dung.

urgh.

this is so depressing.

anyway, jon johnson is damn HOT.
woots.

oh well.
it's nice to be at home sometimes.
it makes sure that you have ample amount of sleep. (:

time really flies.
yucks.
tml's thursday. back to school.
and i have chemistry remedial that starts at 4.30,
when i end school at 12.50.
oh bother.
and it only lasts for an hour.
.....
if only i've the chemistry genes.. i can go home and koon.
but too bad la, i'm a lousy chemist.
in fact, a lousier student.

errr.. what else?

ayah. i think i ought to go back to the books again.
transport in mammals. hah.
so many things to cramp in my brain...
but never mind.
i like anything that start with a B.
like Biology and ....................
HOHO. :P

anyway, i've went to see all 3 fireworks displays.
i think the national day one is the chioest, cause i spent so much time just standing there can.
but it doesn't mean that i like fireworks.
rather, i think they're a waste of taxpayers' money sia.
all because. it doesn't last.

lin jiamin doesn't like things that doesn't last.

haha.
today was a nice day. (:
national day performance was pretty a waste of time,
the malay performance wasn't as good as the previous year's.
i think the difference between guys and girls make a HUGE difference.
chinese dance, modern dance... ayah.. all the dances all i don't like lah.
not happening enough.
but again, who am i to complain.
haha. i can't even dance half as good as them.
but again, it's not up to my standard lah.

okay lah. i shall shut up, before anyone decides to k me up.
BUT then, hitting me will be a bad decision anyway,
i got my chia beibei gang and my DARGONBOATERS.
haha. all so strong, fierce and POWERFUL.
come lah.

haha.
enough of the nonsense.
i spent an hour trying to burn a cd for amanda.
and another 10 minutes to actually to burn one.
what a good friend i am.
ho seh, right?

and everyone was trying to hush me up in the audi today.
eeeyer. =___-
*shakes head*
SINGAPORE's 40TH birthday okay.
NO MONEY TO TAKE but still got 3 days holidays to be grateful to, okay.

eeeerrrr.. what else sia?
today miss chua treated us to some expensive high-class chocolates.
ayah, high class people eat high class choc de mah.
that's why i eat her choc. haha.
not bad sia. thanks, ms chua.
i hope i will not disappoint u anymore with my bio results.
lin jiamin is going to make you proud. hahaha. ;p

anyway, i realised there's drama night on friday in school.
cong de told me. eeyer.
how come i don't know.
eh, how to think of it,
i think i did saw some drama people trying to fix in a rather rigid position outside the canteen ah.
okay lah.
sometimes, i think i'm not a tpjcian sia.
not that i'm not observant enough.
it's because i don't care.

and i got sea sports farewell dinner this sat!
wheeee!
can meet up officially with the juniors and my dear team mates already.
haven't really mixed around them much thesedays.
though majority sat behind me during the performance today.
i still remember xue ping's ULU bag. HAHA.
i requested for the invitiation card okay. tsk tsk.
anwyay, i got it and the mask, which i'm supposed to decorate it and wear on that actual day.
but then i don't know what to do with it and what to wear that night lah.
eeyer.

errrrr..
thanks to the people who tried to jia you-ed me. (:
but lin jiamin is really demoralised and stuff.
never felt so lan before lah.
so sick. =_-
but then, i will not fall.
never. (:

and i got a great national day present today.
only amanda, jen jen, liyan and hui li know. (:
HAHA.
today is such a happy day.

i really like that present. ;P
(although that present don't like me.. but nvm. it's MINE alr!)

but then i like ______ more! hahaha.

you know. you know.

ayah.
after so much of kpkbing,
lin jiamin is still here, slacking away.
don't know what's her fcukin problem.

urgh.

anyway,
went out with my girls today.
yay. =D
it's been so long since we met the last time. (:
will be seeing them in 2 weeks time anyway. =D

anyway, we went running at bedok stadium today. =)
ran 6k in total. in 28 mins time.
blah. suddenly, i like running a lot. (;
but i gained back the weight easily too.

had bk for lunch, KFC for dinner yesterday.
BK for tea today.
WA LAU. fat sia. fat sia.
*shakes head*

anyway, went mugging at airport's bk y'dae.
haha. cong de came along, bringing nothing.
so he just sat there and basically did nothing.
wa lau. then hai me talk to him.
talk talk talk, DUN NEED STUDY LE LAH.
and indeed, i didn't.
went to esplanade to find brother and dad instead.
viewed the fireworks.
this year's pretty. i like. (:

back to today, after running,
the guys went to eat and shop at expo's john's little sale, while i went home to bathee.
i went to eat ban mian, and shared a table with an old lady.
then she started rambling on her health, her sons, her husband and her past.
when i was eating, she was talking,
and an hour after i finshed eating, she's still yakking away happily.
in order not to spoil her mood, i just sat there and listen,
not as though i know what she was actually talking about,
cause the surrounding were rather noisy and stuff.
so i just sat there, nod my head, smile and try to reply her if i can actually hear what she said lah.

and in the end, i met the guys on the train,
when i could actually reached BK an hour earlier. blahhh.
but it's okay, haven't studied much cause studying makes me :(.
so they bought fries and stuff, which i happily ate. wheee. (:
saw chin hwa in bk.

and i saw hui xian on the mrt!
haha. she was on her way to the book fair.
and she missed her stop. hoho. ;p

errrrrr.... what else?
oh. congde dropped his new specs which costs $160 into that kallang river.
what a pity.
tsk tsk.
i can't do much, except to feel the way i felt when i dropped that very swatch watch into the same river.
stupid hungry river.

ayah........
i'm starting to become an irritant once more.
sigh.
but i just can't help it lah.
wa lau.

i'm tired.
very.

of everything.

someone..........

save me.

love is a many splendid thing,
love lifts us up to where we belong.
all you need is love....
all you need is lovee.

what a bummer.

anyway,
life is so depressing thesedays.
a levels is nearing......
very near....
and yet i'm online.

prelims are just a month away.
and at this rate, i don't think i can complete my syllabus again...
but it must not be the case.
and it will not.

i think amanda might have felt demoralised now.
sigh. i really don't know how to make u feel better.
but i'm in this shit with you.
i'm no better than you.
if you think that i'm doing well now, hell no.
i'm really freaking myself out.

4 weeks. 4 weeks.
i need my CCC.
i need almost a miracle.
......
make it miracles instead.

and my fucking gp is deteriorating.
this isn't supposed to be the case.
urgh.
what the hell happened?
i think i need to pull myself together.

haha.
i realised i sound like i'm talking to myself.
i'm sorry, okay.

i need to sort out matters.
and apparently the most crucial one is mugging.
a lvls is 14 weeks ago.
14 might sound a lot to those who aren't going to take all these bloody papers.
but it's NOT. no. no no no no.

and i'm fariung badly for whatever subjects i'm taking.
demoralised? definately,
but i'm not going to give up,
struggle struggle all the wayy lah.
not as if i got a choice anyway.

i think i must have looked like a total loser in front of mr lim.
haha. that gp consultation.
sigh.

mr tan can't be any hopeful too.
never have i officially pass a single test for chem throughout my 2 yrs in college.
yeah, this is lousy. i know.

after talking to mr toh in the general office on wednesday,
then i realised how ms chua would have felt after marking our ct papers.
i'm sorry to let her down.
but i really tried my best....
but still, i fell hard.
...................

maths... is not too bad.
i'm starting from scratch.
but i forgot everything about statistiscs.
this is so fucking bad.
everytime i start doing something, i will forget about the previous one.
WHY SIA!

i think i just need more time.
time time time.

i'll be fine... i hope.

i watched the walls around me crumble,
but it's not like i won't build them once again.