when things go wrong as they sometimes will;
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
when the funds are low and the debts are high;
and you want to smile but you have to sigh;
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must, but don't you quit.

success is failure turn inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are,
it maybe near when it seems a far.
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
its when things go wrong that you must not quit.

to myself and my friends,
this is what you must tell yourself tomorrow when the prelims results you get is not what you want.
don't quit, don't quit.
press on.

this is not the end.

what win I, if I gain the thing I seek?
a dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.
who buy's a minute's mirth to wail a week?
or sells eternity to get a toy?
for one sweet grape who will the vine destroy?

i'm so going to apply this to myself, my life.

haha.
looks like i've forgot that i'm not to blog.
oh well, i HAVEN'T lah.

just can't keep my fingers off the switch on the PC.

anyway, i just met my childhood friend and his family in the hospital.
ah, the silly memories.
they talked about how we used to hold hands together to get to the kindergarden.
and now he can't even recognise me.
at least not when he was in the same orientation group as i was in, during the 1st 3 months.
ayo.
*slaps forehead*
but ayah. not as if we'll talk, so never mind.
what a pity.

anyway, been to the hospital daily for almost 2 weeks.
seen alive people dead,
seen enough of suffering,
seen enough of what will happen to me when i get to grow old.
i don't wanna grow old.
it's so scary.

you get lonely.
you suffer from senile dementia and you can't even remember your children.
you fall when you walk, getting bruises on your face.
your spouse left you, cause he has to report to God before you do.
your daughter-in-laws just want your property.
nobody really care about you.
you get tubes inserted into you, through the nose or the skin.
you just let day pass, day by day.

sigh.
grandma went into coma days ago.
my family had a hard time coping with it.
especially mum.

i don't get it.
i don't know why must people suffer when they grow old.
can't old people just enjoy their 2nd childhood?
letting people serve them and getting pampered all again.
why must they suffer?

if it's karma that a person who has done evil stuff during her youth and mid-age should suffer from all these,
i don't think my grandma ought to be lying there now.
she's been such a nice woman.
adopting and caring everything she could.
damn it.
everything's so fucking unfair.

interacted with an old lady who just 'booked' into the hospital today.
she's just directly opposite my grandma's bed,
she kept walking around despite the amount of bruises she kinda accumulate due to the falls she had.
she have weak legs, she told me.
so i kinda followed her as she roamed about the ward
and volunteered to like, bring her bring to her bed, when she's done with all those walking.
she speaks english, and she said i was her secretary.
and talks about business all day.
she must have been a careerwoman during her younger days.
poor soul.
she can't even remember she had 2 daughters and a son or 2 sons and 1 daughter.

she kept telling me, she's happy working with me.
blah blah, all sorts of stuff that a boss will tell a good worker.
sigh.
all i can infer from this is that,
i won't want to be like this when i grow old.

so... i won't want to drive myself so damn hard at work,
for money, money and money,
and end up, only talking about business and money when i'm old.

so, don't drive yourself so hard when you're younger. (:
at least NOT THAT MUCH lah. ;p

sometimes there's so much to tell,
but what's the use of telling?
repeating the same thing to others won't resolve or change anything.

tomorrow's prelim.
sigh.
shouldn't be here at all.
but..... i just can't let things go.
things that belonged to the past,
things that don't belong to me anymore,
people that have changed,
people who are going to move on.

maybe that's why i can't let grandma go.
i'm so attached to her.
just like the rest of my family members.

i don't know so much.
she's been very strong inside and outside.
and if she's suffering, i rather she move on.

and i'm missing her already.

i'm such a unfilial grand daughter.
sigh.

oh well,
shouldn't be here at all.
i already predicted that i wouldn't fare too well in the prelims.
but i still hope not.

and...seeing that everyone is on a hiatus.
i think i ought to be on one too.
shouldn't be back until the a lvls are over.
i don't belong here.

good bye.

DIE LIAO LAHH.

anyway.
life's been a torture for me. :(

- prelims
endless mugging. but no results.

- grandma.
hospitalised. 2 blood clot in brain. needs operation. too old. may fall into coma.


i'm so..............


i just can't describe lah.

99% brain cells damaged.

99% brain cells damaged.